Mid-Life Transition

The Middle Passage starts when we ask,
'Who am I, apart from my history and the roles I have played?'...
There is a very fine person within, one we barely know,
ready and willing to be our constant companion.

James Hollis, Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life

What is a mid-life transition? It is a transition from one form of identity to another, occurring when what used to define one’s self no longer seems to fit.

Identity includes how you see yourself; what you believe and value; your sense of purpose and the goals you hold; your sense of belonging to a marriage, family, community, and culture; your habits and personality characteristics; and so forth. Your identity makes up your sense of “I am….” At some point, that identity fails you, and you must transition into a new sense of who you are and where you are headed. 

This transition may be demanded when a shock or trauma suddenly changes life as you know it, even as a young person. Or, it may arise as one progresses from young adulthood into the second half of life, or later, when one shifts from being ‘middle-aged’ into old age. The time of the transition is variable; whenever it happens, a redefinition of who you are is required.

The first half of life involves developing a healthy ego that guides us as we evolve a strong sense of “I am.” Typically we complete tasks such as getting an education, leaving our family of origin for our own homes, supporting ourselves financially through work, building a social circle of friends, committing to a relationship with a partner, and having children. We build a life, as it is said. That life is not perfect—it includes failures and losses and pain—yet we feel established for the most part. We have a role to play, and we find security, meaning and purpose in that role.

However, inevitably, the self-defining power of that role abandons us. It may be a sudden loss that tests the role. After losing a loved one, many people no longer know who they are without that person in their life. The losses incurred during the Covid pandemic have challenged many people’s former sense of self—they’ve lost friends, family, work, schooling, comfortable routines, special life events like weddings and graduations, and more. These disruptions have shaken their identity, and even negated their previous roles. In less traumatic times, a more gradual transition is what used to be called the ‘mid-life crisis,’ the shift from the demands of young adulthood into a new set of tasks for re-establishing one’s self in the second half of life.

How do we know when this transition is called for? Common signs include feelings of uncertainty, boredom, dissatisfaction, disappointment, disillusionment, and similar indications that something is missing. These signs point to the fact that your previous role no longer supplies you with meaning and purpose. You have lost the focus, energy, and pleasure you used to have in performing that role. You no longer care so much about meeting the expectations of others for how to be and what to do. Yet you feel lost, unable to determine what is next for you.

What to do? To make this transition, you must undertake a journey of self-exploration. You must leave behind external influences, and journey into your own uniqueness. Who are you, apart from your history and the roles you have played? What do you want? What have you lost? What are your missed opportunities, the paths not taken? Which talents and abilities remain unused and undeveloped? What new adventures are calling you? Questions like these will help you unbury your gold, the parts of yourself yet to be expressed and experienced.

The goal is to become more whole, to round out your identity to include all of yourself. Everyone becomes one-sided in the first half of life, as we exclude from our roles any parts of ourselves that we feel are unacceptable and want to hide; as well as gifts we feel we cannot enjoy and desires we feel we cannot fulfill, due to the responsibilities and limits of everyday life. The mid-life transition is the time to delve into inner wisdom to discover who we want to be now. Now we shift from “role to soul,” as one psychologist summarizes this transition. We become less egoistic, less concerned with performance and external affirmation, and more soulful, more attentive to internal confirmation of what’s needed for our holistic transformation.

Lodestar Guidance LLC provides companionship and support as you make this journey. There is no certain path, no one ‘right way,’ and the journey will include your resistance and grief. You will be encouraged to be gentle with yourself at every step. And the effort is well worth it. Imagine traveling through three passages:  

• separation from your old identity, including grieving that loss, and learning from your regrets;
• exploration in a liminal state of uncertainty and possibility while you follow what’s calling you now;
• reintegration of your sense of self enlivened by your self-discoveries, resulting in a renewed identity and direction.

These phases of the journey are not linear or ever completed, but listing them out as a progression provides an aspirational map for our coaching relationship. Practices to help you transition include self-reflective writing exercises in your private journal, such as a life review; and mindfulness exercises for managing emotions that arise.

Lodestar Guidance LLC will set a direction for you—you can relax about the itinerary—but you are the lead explorer on this expedition into soul. You will find your own unique way forward, setting a course for revitalized meaning, purpose, and pleasure. Would you like to discuss this essay, sharing your questions and comments? I would enjoy chatting with you, no obligation and no fee, in an exploratory session (link below). 

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Sources

Brehony, Kathleen A. Awakening at Midlife

Frost, Robert. The Road Not Taken

Hollis, James. Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life 

Johnson, Robert A. & Jerry M. Ruhl. Living Your Unlived Life

Stein, Murray. In Midlife: A Jungian Perspective.

Zweig, Connie. The Inner Work of Age: Shifting from Role to Soul